Coping Mechanism

Everyone has its own coping mechanism. Some may have to do those weird things but definitely they will help them survive in a way. These past few days were not easy on me. May be this is the reason that I stopped doing the 30 days blog challenge. Deep in my heart, I was really hoping that I will be able to finish it. But school works and other stuff makes me busy. Well, I must admit that despite all of that I have been procrastinating most of the time like today. Spent almost five hours sleeping that I totally forgotten to eat. I had my first meal of the day in the afternoon which is so unlike me.

I have discovered so many things in a span of two weeks. Some times I cry about it. Or may be I did not know I was crying until I felt the tears in my face. So emotional freak! I have mastered the art of pretending nowadays. It will do me no good if I let people know of my weaknesses or rather my weakness which is him. I have to find a way that will let me ignore things. As if things are normal, as if I’m not thinking of what I have realized.

I find joy in watching Korean dramas. Though some of the shows that I have been watching are like reruns. I have been watching them since God knows when. But there are two dramas that I will not be tired of watching, You’re  Beautiful and A Gentleman’s Dignity. There is a certain concept of those shows that I would likely incorporate with myself.

With You’re Beautiful, the girl is having a hard time concealing her feelings  that it end up her singing a song so emotionally. I was in tears when I saw that part though the first time I watched the video in youtube there was no subtitle to it. You can just feel the emotion that girl used in singing the sad song. And there were also some family issues that made the girl run away from the boy. The past is in connection with the present situation in the story. I will always love that story and I will never get tired watching it.

A Gentleman’s Dignity is a different story. The concept of one sided love intrigued me to death. I was having the same sentiments with the protagonist. Though this a story of four guys in their middle age,  you will notice that the story somehow evolves with one of the  guys anyway.When everything seemed already settled, the past will haunt them again. There goes the drama once again.

Concealing feelings. One sided love. These are feelings that I have been doing since I can remember. No wonder these two dramas perked up my interest. You should try watching these kind of things.Romantic comedy at its finest. I was just trying to shut away from all the drama that Gossip Girl is bringing into my life every week though the final episode will air next week.

So there you go. My new coping mechanism is watching Korean dramas till my eyes hurt. I will start watching Love Rain when Christmas break starts that will be a week from now. 🙂

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Just A Memory

I found a piece of writing of mine from first semester. Maybe I wrote this out of boredom and anxiety, I guess. I can’t remember exactly what day it was. Just want to share since I really miss writing and I think I exercised my vocabulary in this piece of writing.

You know what I haven’t seen you since second term started and that was a week ago. I understand that it is not your obligation nor a responsibility to let me know your whereabouts. It was just that during these days, I feel so alone like I’m easily lost in a world that I don’t barely understand. It feels like everything is so new that I have to see or even have a grasp on something that can bring me back. Bring me to the place I felt like I truly belong. Everything feels so alien, even the people that I learned to love and miss are nowhere to be found. Or are they simply lost in the process? When I entered this phase, I promised that I will try to change myself. Be more sociable, more responsible and nicer. But whenever I caught myself being more sociable, I always end up disliking myself. This is not me! I really don’t long for a companionship. Silence relaxes me. I have built my own little world, built a wall that separates me from the rest of the world. Oh! Yes, I have many friends. But there is always a big part of me that I tried to retain. A preservation for myself  in case anything happens. It had already happened in the past, I don’t want history to repeat itself. I had given my all and someone dropped me like a hot potato. I don’t want anything like that to happen again. 

Back to the start, I’m actually sitting right now in a faraway chair, hoping that I can see you. And I can actually see you. But not the eyes that I actually love in you. Not the shoulders that I longed to lean on. You are not the perfect guy but those eyes penetrated me. In the past, it was like a hidden message or meaning in every look you gave. Or is it just me assuming things? The complicated situation you have with someone irked me to death. I deeply want to know, what does she have that others including me don’t possess. Suddenly, a disturbing thought passed my mind. I juts realized that I was too busy sour-grapping to actually consider the beauty of her soul. 

I can see you standing approximately 50 feet from me. But the distance doesn’t really matter. You what to know why? Because even if we are next to each other, I always know that I can’t hold you which I think is one of the saddest feelings in the world. 

Sometimes I think that liking you is one of the worst things I did. But every time I try to move on and find a new one, you’re always there. I think you don’t know it but I’m always asking for a sign. Half happy I maybe when I think the sign is coming true, you appear out of nowhere, completely forfeiting the sign that I was asking for. You intrigued me. You can call me stalker for all you want but I really want to hear you laugh and sing. Am I crazy? I think I’m in the verge of losing it. 

I may not be happy with whatever outcome I have become but despite all those circumstances, I actually learned a lot which I think can actually help me make it through. 

Dramatic, isn’t it? I dunno why but I’m so emotional this weekend. Promise I will be back to my old self  tomorrow or maybe this afternoon. Still have to study. Accounting is making my head pound because of too much information. I will be glad if exam will be over. 🙂

P.S. I don’t actually remember why I entitled this post like that. This post has been in my draft folder for almost a week before I actually have the time to finish it. I better rack my brain once again.

Just Saying

I don’t know what’s happening to me right now. I feel like bursting into tears though I don’t have any reason in doing so. My instinct is feeling something. Like somewhere out there, something is happening and if ever I will know what is happening, I will definitely feel worse. Some kind of drama this Saturday night. I just don’t know why I’m feeling like this. I really hate feeling this way. It is like I’m clueless on what’s happening. Surely, nothing is wrong at home since Mama didn’t even alert me on something.

Surprisingly, I am reading again the Fifty Shades trilogy. I don’t know why. I just remembered Christian Grey all of the sudden. In life, I’m waiting for love though I can’t helped to be bored that I’m always alone. The fact that I’m single lives through me. I watch movies, eat in my favorite restaurants and even wander around the mall endlessly all alone. Maybe I chose this path. In all honesty, sometimes I get jealous over couples but then I always think that the right one will come along. Someone who is like Christian Grey except for the kinky stuff. He’s just so perfect. Other people tend to judge the book because of all those rumors and prejudices they say but if you truly read the trilogy, you will notice that he is like those other guys who long for comfort, trust and love from his love ones. Christian Grey, I will always adore you! ♥

The other day, I had watched The Breaking Dawn Part 2. The fight scene is so epic and heartbreaking. I was really crying. Was so affected during the first few minutes of the fight scene and was cheering my heart out during the last minutes. And then BOOM! It was just a vision. Aro is extremely a coward. Am I spoiler? I hope not! But what I stated earlier s the twist in the story. I had watched the movie exactly one week from its opening. I did not read or search for reviews like I usually do if ever I’m planning to watch a movie in theaters.

I’m looking for sad songs in Youtube. I suddenly remembered this song from the movie. This is much better version because of the guy singing along with it. I cried during the first few stanza of the song though I don’t think this is a sad song. So emotional today, I wonder why. Sharing this one all of you.

Looking for other songs but then I’m just lazy to do so. I will just finish this then try to finish another post which is in my draft as of this moment. I think I have 4 or 5 unfinished posts in my draft folder. Lazy bee! 🙂

Stranded

One thing I don’t want to experienced again. Miserableness is creeping into me that I want to go back to Davao na. Amputek! Kung pwede lang lahat na ata ng curse na alam ko nasabi ko na. Nakakainis kasi yung ganito. Di mo alam kung kailan ka uusad. Kalami! 

Ayoko pa naman ng ganito. I’m not feeling well. I think any time from now, susuka na ako. Ayoko ng ganito. Masakit na masyado ulo ko from lack of sleep or more likely for putol putol na tulog. 

I  just want to curl up in bed and sleep. I also don’t have an appetite. Surely, I eat kanina para lamang magkalaman tiyan ko. Pero ayoko talalgang umuwi.  

Late post. Was supposed to post this last October 24 while I was experiencing this miserableness but ran out of load and I don’t think the signal was good during that time. Good news is I’m finally home. Actually, I’m home since last night. I don’t know what to say. Just happy I’m home and enjoying the company of my family. Still looking forward to seeing my friends next week. 🙂

It’s Official!

I’m making this blog my official blog. Wala lang. Ang hirap kaya man nmaintain ng dalalwang blog. hahaha! Pero sayang kasi yung blogspot ko, marami na rin kasi ang posts  dun and marami ring pictures. Sayang much! Pero ok lng.

So, this blog is a mix of everything. Walang aangal, blog ko to! Parang yung tag line lang ng McDo. hahaha.

Ang ewan ko ngayon. Ang happy ko lang. Uuwi na ako. Tomorrow or sa Tuesday na lang. Marami pa akong kailangan ipass na papers. Kainis kasi si sir. Bakit critic paper pa ang project? Tapos bagsak kaaagad pag walang project?! Pwede NG (no grade) muna?

Kaya pa yan. Bukas pa naman ng hapon ang submission. Bahala na si Batman pag walang project. Makikisali na lang ako sa iba para no probs na bayot! hahaha

Sometimes Regret Gets The Best of ME.

I don’t know why I’m writing this but as of this moment I’m watching Ina, Kapatid, Anak. I remembered my dream when I was child. It was my biggest dream to get into UP when I enter college. Two cousins of mine are from there, since then it was my biggest dream.

Ngayon, para na lang siyang pangarap na di na kayang abutin. Too many opportunities I have let passed. Sa sobrang dami, di ko na nga mabilang. At ngayon, nanghihinayang na ako. Kasi dream school ko yun. Gusto ko Diliman pa ang campus. I really want to cry right now! Pero wala namang mangyayari kung yun ang gagawin ko.

Pagod na kasi ako. Mentally, physically and emotionally, I’m dead beat. I just want this week to end. Go home and sleep to my heart’s content.

Will go back to school works now. My energy is slowly draining. I need to finish something before 12 at least.

Dream is a Secret Wish.

I vaguely remembered my dream the other night. Ang kainis lang ng subject pero I don’t know why I can’t seem  to forget it. To think na that dream was from the other night pa. Ang sabog pa ng mind ko these past few days tapos di ko pa rin makalimutan. Hayz!!

The dream goes like this. Nandun daw ako sa computer lab that time tapos pumunta ako ng windows para makita yung practice ng basketball team. Nagstart na daw yung practice pero di ko siya makita. I was starting to cry na daw. Asking myself kung bakit wala pa siya, eh never pa nga ata siya na late pag may practice sila. Worried na daw ako masyado kung anong nangyari sa kanya. Dahil sa sobrang worry ko, tumakbo ako papuntang court. Then nakita ko siya sa labas. Sa may mga bleachers in fact. Nung nakita niya ako, nagwave daw siya. Nagwave rin ako (gaga lang!). Tapos may sinasabi siya pero di ko marinig. It sounded like LOVE not sure though. Dun na ako di naniwala. Tumingin ako sa paligid, wala namang tao. Pero nasa likod ko yung girl. Heartbreaking!

Sa part na yun ako nagising. Ewan ko lang kung bakit kasi yun pa yung dream. Pwedeng ibang setting naman?! Kainis kasi may connection yun sa mga dreams ko dati pero wala yung girl. Maybe wake up call na yung dream na yun. Dapat kasi ganito na lang isipin ko or dapat ganito na lang gawin. Hindi na kasi dapat mag assume. Feeler pa naman ako minsan.

Tama na kasi. Tapos nagexpect na naman ako kahapon, Walang katapusang expectation. Ako na mismo ang naiinis sa sarli ko.

Yun na yun! Accept things the way it is. 🙂

Realization.

I don’t know what happened pero mukhang di na ako affected. Sa wakas naman! Matagal ko rin hinintay yun noh! Maybe it helped na I embraced reality and stop dreaming nor assuming with all those things.

Masaya lang ako. Hindi na nga ako affected, may pagka bitter naman ako. Ano ba naman yan!! Hindi naman masyado dun sa aspect na yun. Ai, ewan!

Share lang. Happy ako kasi tapos na ako sa presentation ko sa calculus. Kailangan ko na lang tapusin yung mga worksheets para sa project. One down, many more to go. Most toxic weekend ever! Kaya pa! Laslas na lang after. hahaha!