I found a piece of writing of mine from first semester. Maybe I wrote this out of boredom and anxiety, I guess. I can’t remember exactly what day it was. Just want to share since I really miss writing and I think I exercised my vocabulary in this piece of writing.
You know what I haven’t seen you since second term started and that was a week ago. I understand that it is not your obligation nor a responsibility to let me know your whereabouts. It was just that during these days, I feel so alone like I’m easily lost in a world that I don’t barely understand. It feels like everything is so new that I have to see or even have a grasp on something that can bring me back. Bring me to the place I felt like I truly belong. Everything feels so alien, even the people that I learned to love and miss are nowhere to be found. Or are they simply lost in the process? When I entered this phase, I promised that I will try to change myself. Be more sociable, more responsible and nicer. But whenever I caught myself being more sociable, I always end up disliking myself. This is not me! I really don’t long for a companionship. Silence relaxes me. I have built my own little world, built a wall that separates me from the rest of the world. Oh! Yes, I have many friends. But there is always a big part of me that I tried to retain. A preservation for myself in case anything happens. It had already happened in the past, I don’t want history to repeat itself. I had given my all and someone dropped me like a hot potato. I don’t want anything like that to happen again.
Back to the start, I’m actually sitting right now in a faraway chair, hoping that I can see you. And I can actually see you. But not the eyes that I actually love in you. Not the shoulders that I longed to lean on. You are not the perfect guy but those eyes penetrated me. In the past, it was like a hidden message or meaning in every look you gave. Or is it just me assuming things? The complicated situation you have with someone irked me to death. I deeply want to know, what does she have that others including me don’t possess. Suddenly, a disturbing thought passed my mind. I juts realized that I was too busy sour-grapping to actually consider the beauty of her soul.
I can see you standing approximately 50 feet from me. But the distance doesn’t really matter. You what to know why? Because even if we are next to each other, I always know that I can’t hold you which I think is one of the saddest feelings in the world.
Sometimes I think that liking you is one of the worst things I did. But every time I try to move on and find a new one, you’re always there. I think you don’t know it but I’m always asking for a sign. Half happy I maybe when I think the sign is coming true, you appear out of nowhere, completely forfeiting the sign that I was asking for. You intrigued me. You can call me stalker for all you want but I really want to hear you laugh and sing. Am I crazy? I think I’m in the verge of losing it.
I may not be happy with whatever outcome I have become but despite all those circumstances, I actually learned a lot which I think can actually help me make it through.
Dramatic, isn’t it? I dunno why but I’m so emotional this weekend. Promise I will be back to my old self tomorrow or maybe this afternoon. Still have to study. Accounting is making my head pound because of too much information. I will be glad if exam will be over. 🙂
P.S. I don’t actually remember why I entitled this post like that. This post has been in my draft folder for almost a week before I actually have the time to finish it. I better rack my brain once again.